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Sabtu, 03 Maret 2012


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         Islam, ah it was really casual, what is already lost my faith. Ah it was not possible, I still veiled, I was praying, I still say sholawat the prophets Muhammad, yes I've forgotten what my beliefs, not impossible. Turbulent heart, what might be ... could it be ... is it true .... 
         But I'm one of Islam, God answer me, if I had lost my suppressed Islamic. I tried ... I tried ... I keep trying. Please help me, how could I behave like this, which may be, every day I do what You command, every day I do what You command, but why, still like it as well. I was 30 years old, January 19, 2012 and even so, I spent 30 years, but now many are still so-so only. What is this suppressed Islamic right, this is what I got from the school of Islam that has taught me, veiling was so typical of me, everywhere I'd never be separated, but why, really like this. Ya Allah, I have anything with me ... what in the present age will run better, or .... . I have four, a husband and two daughters, Mary and fathim, both are exactly similar, but really quite different in character. It was my stake for the formation of their character. 
          Yeah but it's still there at 30 years of neglect. Can not wait a little, ... it feels like to run away from it all, but, maybe not ... it's impossible, my husband is my own choice, I would have him, I would no matter what, he was to be the companion of my life. Ah sure I'm wrong, wrong address, wrong start, one of everything I do, because all I did was not to my Allah, but for that is inappropriate. I do not know ... it feels tired, but what's up my struggle here, what I was thinking. Ya Allah, it feels really cramped philosophy, exists ... come ... come, please help me insult your servant.
            I do not understand why I was here, my parents had given Islamic education in schools, it is irony, a new life lesson I felt when they got married, no sorrow, no pain, everything is smooth, seamless course, no obstacle is so important.
 But why do I still like it ....What might I include people who are less grateful, people who always despised people who are always ... and always .... Ah ... I was too. What makes me stay here. What?
Suppressed Islamic how to, how shall I do, how should I set myself this in Islam.
 While suppressed Islamic very shallow, what should I do. Ah it has much to learn. What the rest of my life so never think well, what it is, rude, arrogant, what more to mention! I do not know what else to say, actually I did not even dare to think. But ... if you do not say, if you do not think, if ... ah too many reasons, I'd be worse off, the more do not know. Becomes dizzy.
            Child seems to mandate that no measure, but why I can not wait for them, why am I still here, but many people who want children, will be done in various ways to get, but why I can not keep it, ya Allah ... please help ... what's wrong with me
             It's ironic, I was not too aware of its beauty, it turns out for nearly 5 years experience as an educator, it turns out ... nothing.
 I thought it would never be blessed with beautiful daughters like them. What is wrong with me, but not less schooling, a graduate of a public university in Surabaya, it did not work, well what's wrong ...
Islam is a gem, but unfortunately my faith is very questionable, to date my daughter will set foot in school.
 what actually happened. How could I like this. In the bow was sometimes very hard to find me my life meaning. What happens, every day I try to remember, what my powers, all such drooping limply, I found myself still like the first.                    
             My daughter to be easy targets, anger, irony indeed, was my prayer for this does not necessarily change myself, what am I willing or less willing to be everything, going all the gift, it's my kids, I hope my efforts to send their eldest son, produce good and benefits for my son, especially for myself. Makes me more and can understand him better, be more patient in educating and take care of her. I hope my labor no vanity. The existence of goodness in me may be created, in quick time, so I can easily think clearly in handling everything. How beautiful.

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